This version is presented in original state. Expanded story is planned. Preserved for posterity.
Classic”One grande butterscotch banana mocha, please!” requested Greg, to the barista behind the counter.
“Coming right up” the barista replied, with a weird directional wink-like twitch in his eye.
“You OK?” asked Greg with a concerned tone. The barista nodded and claimed it was an inherited habit that runs in his family, and that it was nothing to worry about. Once Greg received his coffee and paid the tab, he went down the counter to take a seat. This was a regular routine for Greg as he was a frequent customer at Black Sheep Coffee Shop. Little did anyone know, though, that this would also be his last visit. In fact, soon, no one would ever visit anywhere again.
24 Hours Later
“Where are we? What is this line for? Why do you have wings?” Greg impatiently asked to the person in front of him. The angel was looking over a very long list, as many people were waiting for access into Heaven.
“Please, please be patient sir,” demanded the angel. “As you can see, we are EXTREMELY busy and we were NOT prepared for the end of the world quite yet. We are notably rushed.”
“You mean we are in Heaven!?!?!” exclaimed Greg.
At this point, another angel came out from behind a nearby cloud and called for Greg. “I need to have a word with you.” The second angel and Greg proceeded to move into a small office and both sat down. Once they were both comfortable, the angel proceeded to explain what happened in the past 24 hours.
“Do you remember that coffee you ordered at Black Sheep Coffee?” asked the angel.
Greg nodded but was completely confused.
“Well, as it turns out, the chocolate used in the mocha was drugged. You, were drugged.” explained the angel.
Greg’s jaw was hanging open in disbelief but he somehow managed to voice the question of “Why?”
“We are not completely sure, but our investigation seems to indicate that a female customer in the corner of the shop was in cahoots with the counter employee, in order to forcefully seduce you. Why, we may never know for sure.”
“You mean…that weird twitch was his indication to her that things were going as planned?” asked Greg.
“Yes” the angel answered. “You are taking this a lot better than we expected.”
“I do vaguely recall being approached by a lady there.” noted Greg. “So, you’re saying that she actually raped me?” asked with a hint of excitement and intrigue in his tone.
“Yes” the angel answered again, “but this is nothing to be happy or excited about. Life on earth was dependent on your virginity staying in tact.”
“WHAT?!!?!?!” shouted Greg. “I thought I was just extremely unlucky with the female persuasion.”
“Well, yes, that was part of your personality by design that aided us extremely well. To be honest, we thought we had at least thirteen more years of life on earth remaining. We anticipated that you would not have sex until you were about 40.” explained the angel. “However, we did have a loophole to allow us to end it early if we became impatient.”
Greg could not help but feel offended over these facts. “Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence! Can I ask one last thing?” Greg hoped that all of his self-abuse practice had a hand in what had occurred. The angel nodded his approval for the question.
“How long did I last with this rapist before I lost my load?” Greg asked.
Greg hung his head in shame.